Lovely submission


BDSM, or Bondage and Discipline/Domination and Submission/Sadism and Masochism, is a term used to describe sexual activities that involve a power differential between sexual partners. It encompasses a host of sex acts where one partner is dominated by another and can often involve restraining one partner, erotic pain-infliction, and sex toys. BDSM has received a lot of media attention lately, due to the bestselling trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James as well as the movie adaptation, which depicts a young, inexperienced woman being seduced by her BDSM dominant boss. However, this is pop culture and does not really capture the true essence of BDSM. BDSM is not an abusive dominant taking advantage of a naïve, innocent submissive. It is a consensual sex act where each partner actively chooses what role they want to take.

BDSM has three overlapping, component parts:

  1. Bondage and Discipline,
  2. Domination and Submission, 
  3. Sadism and Masochism.

In Bondage and Discipline, one partner is restrained and sexually “trained” by the more sexually experienced teacher (the dominant). Domination and Submission refers to the power differential. One sex partner will be the dominant and the other will be the submissive. In this case, the submissive has to obey whatever it is the dominant tells them to do. Sometimes, people like to switch-off being dominant or submissive, while others prefer to be always dominant or always submissive. Sadism and Masochism refers to sex partners who are sexually aroused and fulfilled by one partner inflicting pain on the other partner. The dominant may erotically spank, flog, whip, and/or paddle the submissive.

BDSM takes on many forms. Some couples may engage in all of the BDSM components, and some may pick and choose. Some people may like to be tied up and spanked. Some may like to be spanked and told what to do, but not be tied up. They may also engage in these acts in the role-play of various fantasy scenes. Every couple chooses amongst themselves how they want to play out BDSM sex acts, and no couple enacts BDSM in entirely the same way. And despite popular belief, the female is not always the submissive. Often, the male will prefer to be the submissive and to be controlled. BDSM occurs in all types of relationships—same-sex, hetero, polyamorous, etc.

Safety is paramount in BDSM. Before engaging in a BDSM-type relationship, couples have open communication about the roles they will be taking, the limits they want to set, and what safety rules they will use to indicate that the power play is going too far. It is not abuse. A happy, healthy BDSM relationship cannot exist without active, honest, and open communication as well as respect for the integrity and wishes of each partner. The submissive will set the limits and in a true, healthy BDSM relationship, the dominant never takes advantage or pushes beyond the submissive’s limits.

BDSM is also a psychological relationship and requires a particular mindset. The dominant is literally and psychologically “on top,” as in they take on the mindset that they are the more powerful, controlling partner. It stems from a desire for power and to control and dominant someone. The submissive is literally and psychologically “on the bottom.” It is a way to relinquish control, to allow someone else to be the guide.

People who engage in BDSM are not psychologically damaged. They just use a less mainstream avenue for sexual arousal that allows them to break free from the confines and restrictions that are placed on them by societal demands. It may be taboo, but that just makes it more fun.

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